This was a feature article for the Leader Newspaper.

The turn of the year has traditionally been a time of New Year’s Resolutions; new beginnings, dropping bad habits and learning better ones. A recent survey, however, suggested that 8 out of 10 people in the UK won’t even bother to make them this year. The top two reasons given being; “They’re a waste of time” and “I’ll give up within days”.

What is it that has given us this defeatist attitude and is it that difficult to make a New Year’s Resolution stick longer than normal? Statistics say that the majority of us will have broken all our resolutions before February arrives.

We spoke to Leader Life Coach, Mark Darlington, to see if he could throw any light on the subject and help us all finally stick to our Resolutions.

Why is it that people find it so hard to stick to New Year’s Resolutions and what can we do to be successful and make positive changes in our lives?

That’s a great question! I’m pleased to tell you that there’s quite a simple answer to it too. It’s all about how we make our resolutions and the amount of planning and preparation that we put in that makes the difference. Understanding how our mind works is really key here as well.

There are 7 steps you need to go through to if you want to make great changes in your life and amaze yourself at how easy it can actually be. Set yourself 30 minutes to do this task somewhere where you won’t be disturbed and grab a pen and paper.

Step 1 – Set the “Right” Resolution

Most people fail with their resolutions because they think them up on a whim and/or make too many. Think about the one thing that would make the biggest difference in your life right now.

What do you “really” want? Not what you think you “should” be doing or what you think you “can” do but what would be the most amazing and impactful thing you could do?

Be specific; “lose weight” or “exercise more” are far too flimsy and vague, as is “be a nicer person”. What “specifically” are you going to do? Think “I will lose a stone by 1^st May” or “I will walk for 20 minutes every day except for Wednesdays” or “I will pay a genuine compliment to every person I see”.

Step 2 – Re-check that Resolution is the right one

Once you’ve decided what your goal is, re-check it to make sure it is the right one. Ask yourself “What will having or doing this do for me?” then “Why is this a must for me?” and finally “How will I feel once I’ve achieved it?” – imagine that last answer as vividly as you can. If you can’t answer those questions or the answers don’t feel right for you, go back to step one and start again. If you’re already getting excited, move on to step 3.

Step 3 – Understand How Your Mind Works

Inside each of us are a “thinker” and a “prover” part of our mind. What that essentially means is that when we think something our mind actively seeks out evidence to support our belief and filters out any evidence to the contrary. So it’s no wonder those people who think that resolutions are a waste of time or that they’ll just give up have such a hard time! So make your thoughts positive and your mind will start to work with you to achieve your goal.

Step 4 – Using Your Mind Even More

As a continuation from step 3, make sure you are asking yourself the right questions. Rather than “Why didn’t I stick to last year’s resolutions” – where you’ll just come up with a list of negative reasons; ask “How can I make sure that I’m successful this year?” This will set your mind off looking for solutions and plans rather than excuses. If you’re wanting to finally Stop Smoking for instance a solution might be to seek professional help rather than try willpower again (only 7% of people are reported to successfully stop smoking through willpower alone, so don’t be too hard on yourself).

Step 5 – Plan and Commit

You should now have the makings of a plan. Spend a few minutes writing down (that’s really important!) the action steps you are going to take. Once you’ve done that, tell everyone who is important to you what your goal is. You’ll have a big team of supporters to help you along and it means that you will have psychologically committed to yourself as well as them. Nobody likes to be seen to go back on their word.

Step 6 – Do a little each day to gain momentum

Often when we take on something new our initial enthusiasm makes us go for it and “give it 110%”. We quickly decide that it’s too hard to sustain and generally give up. Instead decide to do a little each day. Small amounts that you absolutely know you can consistently achieve. This gains momentum and belief that you can do what you set out to. So what small actions steps can you start today?

Step 7 – Make progress fun

As you consistently achieve and start to increase your effort, reward yourself. You can choose how you do it and what feels right for you. As you start to enjoy your success, things start to seem effortless. How would you choose to reward yourself?

Enjoy experimenting with this and have a wonderful year!

Making Stopping Smoking Easier Part Two

Last week we started to talk about the number one New Year’s Resolution, to Stop Smoking and the steps to take in order to give yourself the best chance of being successful.

We looked at the “Stopping List”. This is a list of 20 reasons why you want to be a healthy non-smoker forever. All the reasons needed to be what you do want, rather than what you don’t want.

So what do we do once we’ve compiled our Stopping List to help this time be the one when we stop forever? If you’ve stopped smoking before only to start again days, weeks or months later these tips may well just help you conquer this once and for all.

Choose Your Method

Which method feels right to you? If you’re a very strong minded individual with great willpower, simply deciding to stop may be enough for you. If it is, give yourself a massive pat on the back! You’re amongst only of 7% of people who have been able to quit through willpower alone.

You may want to try Nicotine Replacement Therapy (patches, gum, inhalator etc). They can be a great help and advertisements say that they are twice as effective as willpower alone.

Alternatively, if you’ve tried many times before it may be time to call in the professionals and visit your NHS Stop Smoking Centre or a Hypnotherapist.

Set the Date

Once you’ve got your list and chosen your method it’s time to make a commitment and set the date. Only you will know when the time is right for you, so make sure it is you that chooses the date. Write it in your diary and tell everyone you know. Ask for their support and discuss it with your smoker friends beforehand so that they can either be behind you or quit at the same time too.

The Night Before the Big Day

The night before your “I am now a healthy non smoker day”, smoke your last ever cigarette (sound good?) and then clear any smoking related “stuff” out of your life. Clear your home, car and work of all cigarettes (obviously), lighters, matches and ashtrays.

This helps if you get tempted because if there’s nothing in the house by the time you’ve got ready to go to the shop or garage in the cold and rain you’ll have remembered all the 20 great reasons why you stopped in the first place. Your mind will soon wander onto something else.

I hope the festive period was a truly great one for you and you’re looking forward to this year with excitement and anticipation. It always fascinates me what the turn of a new year does to people psychologically. Many use it as a signpost and opportunity to improve their life by making New Year Resolutions.

Statistically, the most popular resolution is to Stop Smoking. As helping people to become healthy non smokers is a speciality of mine I thought I’d give you a powerful tip today.

The harsh truth of the matter is that of all the people who set out to stop smoking unaided it is approximated that only 7% succeed. So if you know someone who has quit “cold turkey” go and give them a huge pat on the back. If you’re one of the 93% that has tried and failed so far, it’s ok and not your fault.

Most people don’t prepare themselves properly so I’m going to start to help you with that today.

What’s on Your Stopping List?

One of the most important steps in preparation is getting absolute clarity in your mind as to the reasons you want to become a non smoker in the first place. Most people say “for the kids” or “to get fit” but these aren’t specific enough and won’t have the required impact on your mind.

Get a piece of paper and find somewhere you can do this task undisturbed for around half and hour. Now make a list of 20 reasons why you want to become a healthy non smoker forever.

The really impactful part of this exercise is to be really specific and write the reasons in what I call “the positive”. This is writing what you do want rather than what you don’t want. This sets your mind up so much more powerfully to succeed.

For example “for the kids” might turn into several different reasons; “I want to be there at Emily’s wedding to give her away” or “I want to be there to support Matthew through university”. Another may be that “I don’t want to die young” turns into “I want to live a long and healthy life”.

If you get to 16 reasons and start to struggle that’s ok, just get as near to 20 as you can. If you get more that’s ok too, there are lots of great reasons.

I’ll let you know the next steps in next week’s column.

Mark Darlington is a Clinical Hypnotherapist who specialises in helping people to stop smoking and now offers a 100% lifetime guarantee of success. Call Mark on 0800 043 1946 or visit www.flintshirestopsmoking.co.uk for details.

For those outside Flintshire you can also take advantage of the offer at;

www.chesterstopsmoking.co.uk

www.wrexhamstopsmoking.co.uk

www.denbighshirestopsmoking.co.uk

www.wirralstopsmoking.co.uk

www.cheshirestopsmoking.co.uk

Whatever you’re current mindset January 1^st can act as a signpost to new beginnings, a catalyst for change or a springboard into action. Of course, in homes and workplaces across the land the hot question on everyone’s lips is “What are your New Year’s Resolutions?” and “How long do you think you’ll stick to them this year?”

The trouble with New Year’s Resolutions is that we feel we “should” make them and do it without too much thought.

New Year’s Resolutions usually fail because of a combination of reasons; we try to do too many resolutions at once. We do too much too soon and run out of steam. We try to change the toughest habits first. Resolutions are often vague like “I’ll exercise!” – these types of resolutions come from thinking that we “should” make some. Life gets in the way.

If you recognise these from New Year’s Resolutions past, that’s ok. Here is how to give yourself a better chance of change.

Focus on one change at a time, so that your attention and energy isn’t spread too thin.

Have a very specific plan with actions built in. What one small thing can you do every day to move towards your goal?

Start out really, really easily so it isn’t overwhelming or intimidating. For example if you want to get fit, walk for 10 minutes a day rather than try and do 2 hours at the gym and build up gradually.

Give yourself 2 months to install the new habit. We often give up on our resolutions because we don’t see results quickly enough. Set your own expectations and mindset that if you consistently do small things for 2 months your new habit will be installed.

Once one habit is installed, move on to the next one.

If you stick with the method, you’ll do much better than you’ve done in the past with New Year’s Resolutions. You’ll focus on creating long-lasting habits rather than trying to reach a short-term goal that fails. You’ll maintain your enthusiasm for longer and not become overwhelmed by the difficulty of change. You’ll have habits that will change your life, and that’s no small feat.

Mark Darlington helps people like you make huge changes in life. Call Mark now on 0800 043 1946 or to book a free consultation

Now, chances are we’ve not met yet but I’m going to do a little mind reading. Over the last couple of weeks you will have been running around trying to make this Christmas as perfect as you can for others. Also, this year will have been harder than most for you and caused you to experience increased stress leading to tiredness and maybe disrupted sleep. You don’t have time for “me time” as you’re too busy looking after everyone else and if you didn’t do it, who would? Finally, there will be someone in your family (it may even be you) who doesn’t know what gift they want for Christmas as they “don’t need anything really”.

So how many of those rung true for you? How are my mind reading skills? And what do you give the person who doesn’t need anything?

If my description above seems to have been specifically written personally for you (and it has!) then I know the greatest gift that can give your loved ones this Christmas. Looking after Number One and putting you first for a change!

Now my mind reading skills have just gone into overdrive and I know that you will have recoiled in horror at the mere suggestion and the words “selfish and guilt” will have been in there somewhere. Truth is, if you don’t look after yourself very soon you’ll be in no fit state to look after anyone else. In order to truly give to others, you must first have as much as you need.

Here’s this week’s task;

For the next seven days I want you to dedicate just 5 minutes a day to you. Make a big list of the simple things that give you pleasure and do one every day.

Next, think of one way you can be kind to your body every day and do it. Keep it simple such as; drink more water, eat a piece of fresh fruit, go to bed early, get fresh air or eat regular meals.

Small changes make a huge difference and your loved ones will notice how much more relaxed, happy and energised you are. Have a wonderful Christmas!

Mark Darlington helps people like you make huge changes in life. Call Mark now on 0800 043 1946 to book a free consultation

When the big get together begins, here are three things you can do to keep it family friendly so as not to let the stress get you down and make things awkward with the folks.

No Religion, No Politics

Do you have a family member you just can’t seem to agree on anything with? No matter how much you love them, some people can just seem to want to give you their opinion on everything or tell you what to do, whether you requested it or not. Just follow this one rule for any conversation that takes place between the two of you; avoid the subjects you disagree on.

Whether it is religion, politics or just your favourite sports teams, just don’t get roped in.

Set Up a Kids Room

You love your nieces and nephews, but when the family gets together and the kids start getting bored, they can be a handful. The most well behaved children can turn into mini-hurricanes at a family get together, especially with all the sugar and additive loaded party food. Here’s a simple solution: if you’re hosting, set up a bedroom in the house to be the children’s room at the party. Provide them with some games and toys and you can prevent the chaos children sometimes bring to the family gathering.

Take Some Time to Yourself

If you don’t have the time, make the time. If you’re a regular reader of this column you’ll be noticing a theme by now! When you’re really feeling stressed, it can lead to anger, frustration and can really put a strain on your physical and mental health. Whenever you can, take part of a day to yourself and buy yourself a gift (even if it’s just a latte and a used book from a charity shop), and relax.

Mark Darlington helps people through tough times in their lives.

Call 0800 043 1946 now for a free consultation.

Schedule Time for Yourself
No, really! Don’t just think, “I’ll sit down and read for a while if I have time.” Believe me, you’ll never just “have” time. It is important to schedule specific times in your week when you will take time out for yourself to take a relaxing bath or read a favourite book. Treat this time as you would a business appointment or a meeting with a friend; if someone asks you to do something during that time, tell them that you have a prior commitment.

Maintain Healthy Habits
During the holidays, it is easy to lag on your healthy eating and exercise patterns. However, times of peak stress are when it is crucial to be getting adequate sleep, exercise, and the nutrients that your body needs in order to function well. If you regularly go to a gym to exercise, keep it up during the holidays. Regardless of prior exercise habits, everyone should work to fit more activity into their days by walking instead of driving whenever possible. This will help you sleep better, which in turn gives your body the extra boost it needs to deal with stress. Similarly, avoid binging on sugar and fats, which will eventually leave your body feeling rundown and exhausted.

Organize Your Shopping Trips
Take the extra time to make a detailed shopping list and check it twice! Last minute trips to shopping centres to pick up one or two items can pile on the stress. Think carefully through your gift list or meal plans so you can get it all the first time. Instead of trying to fight with long Christmas Eve queues, do as much of your seasonal shopping as possible well ahead of time so that you can spend more of your Christmas holiday relaxing at home or with friends.
Mark Darlington helps people and businesses to perform to their full potential.  Call 0800 043 1946 now for your free consultation.

Comments have been flying because of Gillian’s apparent phobias and behaviours during the show. People are asking why, if she has so many phobias, did she agree to go onto the show in the first place. As well as questioning whether her reactions and fainting are real or a show for the camera.

Now, I’m not sure whether this is a confession or a boast but I haven’t actually seen much of any of the 3 shows mentioned so I can’t comment on whether Gillian’s phobias appear genuine or not.

However, if you suffer from a phobia yourself, you’ll understand just how horrendous that can be. People with full blown phobias understand that most phobias are irrational but don’t know how to rid themselves of the condition.

Here are a couple of ways that you could tackle your phobias with or without help from someone else.

Systematic Desensitisation

This is where you can do something yourself to conquer your phobia. Make a list of all situations that surround your phobia that cause you discomfort, and then rank them in order of levels of anxiety caused. For instance if your phobia involves small 8 legged creatures; having a big hairy one walk on your hand is probably a non starter. However, saying the word to yourself or looking at a cobweb from a distance may be ok. Once you’ve conquered your least fear move on to the next one and so on.

Hypnosis

Hypnosis or Hypnotherapy has shown to give great relief to phobia sufferers and allow people to live their lives free of previous fears. It works because the phobia is usually an irrational fear held deep in the subconscious mind. That part of the mind is there to protect us, but in the case of a phobia overprotects and starts to ruin peoples’ lives. Hypnosis deals with that part of the mind to re-programme the thought patterns and release the irrational fear.

Whatever your phobia and whichever method you choose, enjoy living life phobia free!

Mark Darlington is a Clinical Hypnotherapist and Coach who helps people like you live life free of anxiety and phobias. To book a free consultation call free on 0800 043 1946

Christmas is fast approaching, less than 30 days now in fact. For most it’s a time of great joy and of loving and giving and if that’s how you’re feeling that’s wonderful.

For others, however, it can be a time of dread and sadness. Much of the sadness around Christmas can come from the loss of a loved one, especially if it will be the first Christmas that they won’t be there.

These feelings aren’t confined to those who have suffered a recent loss of course. There are no rules as to how or when you should stop missing someone at Christmas time.

If this is something that affects you then there are a few things to remember and steps that you can take to cope a little better this year.

Some of the tips may seem to contradict the others, however they are just suggestions. You pick and choose which feel right for you. There’s no “one size fits all” solution.

Spend time with people who uplift you

Sometimes we can be so focussed on the people that aren’t with us that we forget about the people who are. Grieving at Christmas in a healthy way involves choosing who you most want to be with. Don’t spend time with people who create negative feelings or drain your energy. Choose those people who make you feel wonderful.

Allow yourself to grieve in your own way

Some of us grieve at Christmas by keeping extremely busy, so we have less time to think. Others grieve at Christmas by withdrawing or even leaving the city or country. Whatever your grief process is, accept it. There are no rules and whatever you feel, that’s ok.

Accept help

Understand that friends and family may not know what to do or say. Accept their help at Christmas, whether it’s cleaning your bathrooms or cooking Christmas dinner at their place instead of yours. Grieving at Christmas involves letting others show their love and grief in different ways.

Celebrate the good times

You know that your loved one would never want you to be sad at Christmas time. Focus your attention on all the good times you shared and celebrate those. Raise a toast, get some old photographs out or just take some quiet time alone to have a conversation with them in your mind.

Find what it is that uniquely brings you comfort at this time of year.

Back in the 1960’s there was a cosmic rivalry commonly known as the “Space Race” with the USA and Russia battling to put the first man on the moon.

When NASA started launching manned spacecraft they found out that their astronauts couldn’t use pens to write their essential notes and observations whilst in space. The ink wouldn’t flow down through the pen in a zero-gravity environment. NASA decided to recruit and retain a man named Paul Fisher to design a pen that would work in space.

Much research and a mere $1.5 million later, they had their solution to the problem. NASA now had a pen that worked in zero gravity, in a vacuum and in freezing temperatures.

Of course, the Russian cosmonauts had the same problem.

So they used a pencil!

Now, this anecdote isn’t entirely historically accurate and is more of an “urban legend”. The reason that the story is so widely embraced though is that it rings so true.

We often use massive amounts of time and effort looking for and creating elaborate solutions to problems when a simple answer is right under our noses.

So what’s that got to do with performing at our best?

When was the last time you said to yourself “Why didn’t I think of that?” when someone came up with a brilliantly simple solution to something? What is it that they had that you didn’t?

It tends to be one of 2 thinks; either clarity or perspective.

When we are “stuck in a problem” and “can’t see the wood for the trees” we have neither. When you read those two phrases again you’ll understand how difficult it would be to move to a different perspective if we were literally stuck or clearly see anything else if we were staring at the trees.

If you find yourself going around in circles trying to find a solution to a problem, stop! It’s time to take some time out. Step one is to take time away and relax to get some space back in your head to gain clarity, literally clear your mind of junk.

Second is to find a different perspective. Think of a few people whose opinions or successes you admire, you don’t even have to know them personally it could even be a public figure. What would they say or do? If it’s someone you know, ask them.

What new solutions have you discovered now? Enjoy experimenting with this technique.